Wow!! I am reading this almost 1 and 1/2 years later and am astounded!!! One Temple marriage in March of this year (at Salt Lake Temple, Italy's still isn't done), three more brain surgeries (in July and August 2014), almost done with my BSN, many moves, heart aches, and disasters later....I cannot believe I didn't remember that statement!!! I am complaining while HF has moved Heaven and Earth to give me what I asked for...."an eternal companion and father for my children" "even if I had to go through hell to get it!! Yes, HELL, I am talking about pain, loss of faculties, loss of physical strength both permanent and temporary, loss of my constant north leading me home to my HF, and only knowing the way by following my eternal companions lead. To have been blessed w/him at the hardest time in my life was just what I asked for, a God send.
Believe me I know that I am not the easiest person to live with, we both have faults and perfections an can grate upon on anothers nerves, but we survived together....therefore we can rise together as well.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Friday, February 15, 2013
Fear Not I am With Thee
What do I fear?? A dear friend of mine asked that question, so here it is....
My dear Cynthia, you have brought me to tears again. I love your sincere desire to overcome everything that you may face....I understand your fear of the unknown and even of death. I have never feared death itself having visited the shores myself more then once. I fear the loss of all I love around me as I slowly grow alone and isolated. That is due to previous experiences with someone who isolated me and slowly and systematically eliminated everyone in my life but him. It was very hard to learn to interact in society again. To go into social situations and try to talk to others without the constant fear of criticisim of how I looked, talked, what I said, and how could I ever continue going on in life only interacting with my patients, my 4 children, and my adopted (children from another mother, not Audrey and Marcus, all of the friends of Joe and Rusty who adopted me in lieu of their own parents).
So I started out small, researched PTSD and made my first steps back out into the world alone except for my ever constant companions of the Holy Ghost and my HF. It was not easy, I went to the temple for strength and then drove around the first location of the s.a. conference I couldn't even get out of the car, I threw up and then went home. Saturday was the second day of the conference, I screwed up my courage and with my nannies threat of taking me and kicking me out at the church I went inside. My first rule of this was I had to go inside and talk to three people. Introduce myself to three strangers and I was free, I could go home or go to a movie or go read a book...whatever I wanted. I went in and introduced myself to three people and then went to classes and of course I had to do the project, it was planting at the Temple, I NEVER miss that. Then I had people extract promises of coming to the dance and so I went for an hour. I put on the mask and went to dances and conferences, house parties and game nights. I started making myself ask others to slow dance and go on dates. It was sooo hard, I found myself shaking and nervous, but I knew if I couldn't conquor my fears how could I ever follow my blessings and find my celestial companion to enrich me and or my families lives? I started getting asked to start the dancing and help with conferences and found that I could find friends and be happy with me and my children...I could make a life for myself and concentrated on making HF central to me and my children as we forged a new life out of this strange frontier we found ourselves in.
I was very appreciative of the gifts given to me by my HF and tried to do the best I could. I had a few dates, a few strange experiences, and then the accident. I was so stumped!! I had done what I could to change and turn my life towards HF, earn a living, teach my children to find the good in all; but now I couldn't even take care of my children alone. I had to have help and was forced to test the relationships I had forged to replace the bonds I had lacked in my own blood relatives. I found that the people that I trusted were not always the people I thought they were and that I had to depend on my HF more then ever. I found that those people that I had been dating are not going to take this on and questioned my HF as to what I was to learn from this?? Could I just have the lesson already?? I wanted my life to move forward.
Then I found the reason why I was in an accident with injuries that I shouldn't of survivied w/o instant treatment, I found out why I had to move while injured, I found out why only one surgeon would try to fix me. When I found myself alone, two and a half years ago, after escaping a relationship that had travelled down a dark path I knelt in the Temple and asked HF to help me do all that I had to do to find the path that He wanted me on. To be able to survive and raise my children in the gospel and fullfill his purpose for me. To find someone that would take this broken and remade vessel and see the beauty in it. I found I was complaining and asking Him to help me get off of the very path I asked Him to put me on. I'd like to say that I found this out right away, but I'd be lying....It took 7 1/2 months, alot of tears, alot of hours in prayer, and a miracle named Greg.
I have to say, I am not unafraid of people, but I can hold my own. I am grateful for the 2 1/2 years of off and on dating and PTSD retraining, the work I did with my children and the trials I went through. I am thankful for the single adult program and for learning to introduce myself to others. About eight months I introduced myself to someone and then introduced him to several people. I then faded back into the back ground as the s.a. women swarm decended. I continued to talk and say hi to him at functions and check on his progress to make sure he was fellowshipped as I do with all new people. I friended him on fb, as I do with others that seem ok, but at some point we started talking on fb, then in person, then dating, then 3-4 phone calls a day.
Heavenly Father moved heaven and earth to give me what I asked for. I cannot complain that I am to have brain surgery in a few weeks, it is part of the process that led me to Greg. He is the left side of my heart, I know that in order for us to be at the right place in our Spiritual growth, time in our physical years, and time in our relationships my HF had to make us meet at this very precise moment. My HF did that just for me. He can and will do that for all of us if we ask and follow His path. I have had many blessings and have been assured that I will be as I was before after the surgery. So do not fear for me! I am in the arms of my all knowing HF and I am making plans for the future!
Greg says if there were no issues we could go to Vegas, I said what?? He said ya, the Vegas Temple, LOL!! I love that man!!! So am I still afraid of people, at times, but not paralized (some people are just strange)! But I owe a huge debt of graditude to my HF for helping me reconnect with people. So for all my friends I am sending out the call...Next year, Rome Temple, I am going to jump in again!! I am going to take my eternal compainion to the temple and covenant for all time and eternity. I am going to have a honeymoon and do all the normal things. I know that it is crazy and I should be to scared to do it, but I am so thankful that my Fear did not keep me from this awesum path I see before me!
My dear Cynthia, you have brought me to tears again. I love your sincere desire to overcome everything that you may face....I understand your fear of the unknown and even of death. I have never feared death itself having visited the shores myself more then once. I fear the loss of all I love around me as I slowly grow alone and isolated. That is due to previous experiences with someone who isolated me and slowly and systematically eliminated everyone in my life but him. It was very hard to learn to interact in society again. To go into social situations and try to talk to others without the constant fear of criticisim of how I looked, talked, what I said, and how could I ever continue going on in life only interacting with my patients, my 4 children, and my adopted (children from another mother, not Audrey and Marcus, all of the friends of Joe and Rusty who adopted me in lieu of their own parents).
So I started out small, researched PTSD and made my first steps back out into the world alone except for my ever constant companions of the Holy Ghost and my HF. It was not easy, I went to the temple for strength and then drove around the first location of the s.a. conference I couldn't even get out of the car, I threw up and then went home. Saturday was the second day of the conference, I screwed up my courage and with my nannies threat of taking me and kicking me out at the church I went inside. My first rule of this was I had to go inside and talk to three people. Introduce myself to three strangers and I was free, I could go home or go to a movie or go read a book...whatever I wanted. I went in and introduced myself to three people and then went to classes and of course I had to do the project, it was planting at the Temple, I NEVER miss that. Then I had people extract promises of coming to the dance and so I went for an hour. I put on the mask and went to dances and conferences, house parties and game nights. I started making myself ask others to slow dance and go on dates. It was sooo hard, I found myself shaking and nervous, but I knew if I couldn't conquor my fears how could I ever follow my blessings and find my celestial companion to enrich me and or my families lives? I started getting asked to start the dancing and help with conferences and found that I could find friends and be happy with me and my children...I could make a life for myself and concentrated on making HF central to me and my children as we forged a new life out of this strange frontier we found ourselves in.
I was very appreciative of the gifts given to me by my HF and tried to do the best I could. I had a few dates, a few strange experiences, and then the accident. I was so stumped!! I had done what I could to change and turn my life towards HF, earn a living, teach my children to find the good in all; but now I couldn't even take care of my children alone. I had to have help and was forced to test the relationships I had forged to replace the bonds I had lacked in my own blood relatives. I found that the people that I trusted were not always the people I thought they were and that I had to depend on my HF more then ever. I found that those people that I had been dating are not going to take this on and questioned my HF as to what I was to learn from this?? Could I just have the lesson already?? I wanted my life to move forward.
Then I found the reason why I was in an accident with injuries that I shouldn't of survivied w/o instant treatment, I found out why I had to move while injured, I found out why only one surgeon would try to fix me. When I found myself alone, two and a half years ago, after escaping a relationship that had travelled down a dark path I knelt in the Temple and asked HF to help me do all that I had to do to find the path that He wanted me on. To be able to survive and raise my children in the gospel and fullfill his purpose for me. To find someone that would take this broken and remade vessel and see the beauty in it. I found I was complaining and asking Him to help me get off of the very path I asked Him to put me on. I'd like to say that I found this out right away, but I'd be lying....It took 7 1/2 months, alot of tears, alot of hours in prayer, and a miracle named Greg.
I have to say, I am not unafraid of people, but I can hold my own. I am grateful for the 2 1/2 years of off and on dating and PTSD retraining, the work I did with my children and the trials I went through. I am thankful for the single adult program and for learning to introduce myself to others. About eight months I introduced myself to someone and then introduced him to several people. I then faded back into the back ground as the s.a. women swarm decended. I continued to talk and say hi to him at functions and check on his progress to make sure he was fellowshipped as I do with all new people. I friended him on fb, as I do with others that seem ok, but at some point we started talking on fb, then in person, then dating, then 3-4 phone calls a day.
Heavenly Father moved heaven and earth to give me what I asked for. I cannot complain that I am to have brain surgery in a few weeks, it is part of the process that led me to Greg. He is the left side of my heart, I know that in order for us to be at the right place in our Spiritual growth, time in our physical years, and time in our relationships my HF had to make us meet at this very precise moment. My HF did that just for me. He can and will do that for all of us if we ask and follow His path. I have had many blessings and have been assured that I will be as I was before after the surgery. So do not fear for me! I am in the arms of my all knowing HF and I am making plans for the future!
Greg says if there were no issues we could go to Vegas, I said what?? He said ya, the Vegas Temple, LOL!! I love that man!!! So am I still afraid of people, at times, but not paralized (some people are just strange)! But I owe a huge debt of graditude to my HF for helping me reconnect with people. So for all my friends I am sending out the call...Next year, Rome Temple, I am going to jump in again!! I am going to take my eternal compainion to the temple and covenant for all time and eternity. I am going to have a honeymoon and do all the normal things. I know that it is crazy and I should be to scared to do it, but I am so thankful that my Fear did not keep me from this awesum path I see before me!
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